When I was 10 years old, my parents asked me how I’d feel if they had another child.  Being an only child, I gladly welcomed the thought of having a brother or sister.  After all, I was a pretty lonely kid.   I attended private school 45 min. from home, lived nowhere near any of my school friends, and wasn’t allowed to play with most of the kids in our neighborhood since we lived next to the projects.   I was sheltered.   If it wasn’t for the boys & girls club, I don’t know who I’d be!   Around that time, besides asking me how I’d feel if they had another child, my parents told me they were looking for a larger home, within 10 min. from my school.  I’d get to live closer to my friends!  My hopes were up! 

What seems like a few months later, my parents separated, then got a divorce a couple years later.  They’d been married for 17 years.   From that point on, I was primarily raised by my mother. 

The family expansion never happened.  Instead, the family fracture did. 

Before the separation, there was much tension in our home.   Simply put, mom and dad didn’t get along much of the time. 

The tension affected me greatly.  As a young child, I was well known for my rebellious behavior & volatile temper.  In 4^th grade, I started so many fights during recess that I was banned from it midway through the year, and spent the remainder of the year “incarcerated” in the principal’s office!  I sometimes wonder what would have become of me had some changes not been made! 

Immediately following my parent’s separation, my temperament mellowed out immensely, and I no longer got into fights.   I’m convinced that a peaceful home led to a more peaceful spirit in me.  

In my adult life, I’ve spent much time reflecting upon other ways that my parents’ marriage and divorce affected me:

1)       I cringe when I see couples arguing in public.   It’s like nails on a chalkboard. 

2)      I abhor unresolved tension within my interpersonal relationships.  By God’s grace, I’ve learned how to patiently, & respectfully resolve conflicts. 

3)      I’ve identified one of my greatest fears, if not my greatest, as the fear of abandonment. 

4)      I place extremely high value on God’s unconditional love.  I strive to love as He loves me. 

5)      I place extremely high value on marital harmony and success.   I know the opposite well enough to despise it.  

The net result is someone who chooses to get along, forgive, and prioritize enduring relationships over other things in life.  

Along the way, I’ve learned that tension is ok as long as you are confident it can be resolved.  Abandonment is survivable if you can have a relationship with a God who will never leave you nor forsake you.  Marital harmony and success are attainable, especially if you learn how to seek and rely on the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. 

I’m about to get real open in this here blog.  In my adult life, I’ve cried many times over my parents’ divorce.  I’ve cried because:

1)       I know my dad wanted to be closer to me than he was able to be after the divorce.  This hurt him deeply.  I saw how awkward and painful it was for him to accept the effects of the divorce, including things like seeing me only every other weekend. 

2)      I’ve often longed for a closer relationship with my dad.  The divorce made it more difficult for me to learn things I would  have like to have learned from him.  There have been times I’ve envied the experience of men who were close enough to their fathers to learn much from them.  

3)      There is a sense of stability you feel when your parents are together and happy.  There’s usually a stronger support system.  There are more people to whom you feel you are accountable. 

At the end of the day, I’ve learned to trust in God’s sovereignty.  This means that no matter what hand I’m dealt in life, I trust that God is not out of control and looking for a solution, but in control and able to guide me through the storms.  Many others have been dealt a much worse hand than me.   There are far more tragic cases than mine.   If you’re one of these cases, trust in the God who said in Romans 8:28,

“And we know all things work together for the good, to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” 

Rest in the promises of His Word.  Even the darkest and most painful situations can set the stage for God’s glory to be revealed.  Always remember Romans 8:18 which says,

“The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” 

Behind the scenes, God is weaving blessings together for those who love Him, and are His.  For instance, in spite of the hand I was dealt, by God’s grace, I’ve gained much wisdom over the years from God’s Word concerning relationships.  Although my parents divorced, I feel empowered for a successful  & God-centered marriage. 

I’m curious to hear from someone who has felt the effects of divorce.  How has it affected you?  How has God’s grace helped you overcome? 

Live the Life.